Bitch Slapping

I was pretty excited about going abroad as an exchange student. I never thought I really had the chance after missing two chances going to Japan and South Korea. This time, it was Vietnam. Every one was obviously excited being able to explore and experience different cultures other than their own in a foreign country.

Orientation was as usual, ice breaking activities, walking around and getting familiar with the environment and campus area. We were brought to an orchard, there were dogs running about, wagging their tails when they saw our facilitators. It was quite an experience, especially the barn house, which reminds me of the novel "Animal Farm" by George Orwell. The weather was neither hot nor cool. It wasn't humid or dry either. We gathered around and started to express what we were looking forward during the stay. Every one was excited to show us around, except one particular facilitator. She was neither fortunate looking nor unfortunate looking, she seemed dislike the idea of having international students barging in their place. To her, we're the invaders. I had the feeling she didn't like me so decided not to approach her to avoid more hatred and dissatisfaction in her.

It was lunch time, we were brought to a cafeteria. The cafeteria was divided (or should I say built separately) into two sections. Both looked entirely the opposite, food served were totally different. The cafeteria we were brought to was in-door built with tiled floors, cleaner environment, food served were mostly western cuisine. The one's outside were exactly the opposite. The operator arranged her trays of local dishes on the counter. She stood there chasing flies while the local students picked their dish. 

One of the international student grabbed my hand, he seemed to be attracted to the local dish and invited me to join him. I thought, "Why not? The trays were properly covered anyway." So, I went. I was thinking, "What was the point of having mashed potato and steak when I can have it back home?" It's time to try the local dish and besides, it looked yummy. I was queuing...then at a glimpse, I thought I saw someone familiar. Someone who is not supposed to be here...I was confused for a moment and trying to look for that person but was already gone. I thought to myself, I was only imagining things. So, I decided to ignore and continue choosing the dishes.

So finally, we sat down and I couldn't wait to taste the dish. I was so hungry that I wanted to gobble up my lunch. Then, My face turned pale, my palms and feet were cold and sweaty, my stomach felt tight. Losing my appetite when I saw her walked by without her knowing I was there looking at her. She was smiling happily in her strapped white dress. "What the hell is she doing here?" I felt nauseated. Soon after, rage suddenly filled me. I immediately excused myself and started to follow her. My heart sank when I saw both of them meet up. They both looked happy. It was he. My mind was not playing tricks earlier on.


I followed them to a blue wooden house by the beach. Both of them walked up the narrow stairs to the house, I followed quietly so they won't notice me. I pressed my ears against the door, "My parents are not home, they won't be back until late in the evening," she told him. I couldn't hear what he said as the children were chasing one another below. Then, she said, "Wait in my room, I'll be back."


I peeped through the window pane and saw that she went to the back of the house and he walked into a room. Outside the door, my heart was beating fast, I turned the knob with my left hand...hoping it was not locked...and my right hand trying to push the door..and it opened..Relieved..."It's not locked..." Gently, I pushed the door...and walked in quietly.


My palms were cold and sweaty...I broke in cold sweat with butterflies in my stomach. As I approached the room, I could hear water crashing to the floor. My heart was beating even faster...and my anger was reaching to its limit. I wanted to scream my heart out and ran amok. My mind was a chaos...an opposite to the situation I was in at the moment. There were only sounds of water and her humming in the bath...


I gather up my courage...my balance...and opened bedroom door. My mind went wild...when I saw him lying on her bed facing his back at me. I went in quietly...he didn't seem to notice that I was there standing there watching him. Slowly and quietly, I curled myself like a prawn at the corner of the room below her hanging clothes. As I lifted my head up while crouching at the corner, I watched him with my heart being stabbed over and over and over again.


I've been avoiding the social network because I didn't want to see what both of them were chatting about. And the thought of all the things she said to him, I was angry and was jealous that he entertained her. All the emotional cheating...I couldn't bear. Now that he was there...lying on the bed hurt me even more.


The bedroom door opened...there she was at the door..still not realizing I was hiding amongst her clothes at the corner. He turned his head looking at the door. There she was, in her towel with her hair tied in a bun...the floor was wet as the water was still dripping from her wet body. She loosened the bun and let her hair fell loose. He went to her and said,"You're wet. Let me dry you." She loosened her towel as he grabbed it and dried her upper body. He wasn't admiring her naked body with any kind of perverted eyes, he dried her with care. Gently, he wiped her wet body.


I stood up as I couldn't stand it any longer. They were shocked when they saw me coming out from my hiding place. She quickly grabbed the towel from my boyfriend's hand and covered herself clumsily while he just froze, not knowing what to do. I clenched my teeth as I looked at them with rage. I used all my strength to repress my anger...and my impulsiveness to bitch slap her, pull her hair and drag her out of the house. I told her in a controlled soft voice, "Please leave us. I have something to discuss with him. Close the door when you get out."

I pushed him to the bed and went on top of him. "Is this the bed you intend to use to betray me?" I asked with tears flowing from my eyes as I punched his face with the little strength I had left from suppressing my rage and jealousy. I beat his chest continuously to release all my rage and sadness. Then, I started to slap him and punched his face. He used his arms to protect himself from being punched and slapped as he was unable to grab hold of my hands to defend himself. Then, he lost his patience and pushed me away. With his head down,"Hit me again if you dare..." So, I slapped him. "Hit me again if you dare!" with a threatening voice and I slapped him again. His eyes turned red as tears started to gather and again he said with his teeth bared at me, "Hit me again if you dare!" And I slapped him twice...and just stared at him...at his eyes...and at his tears...I couldn't say anything to him. All I could do was stare at his face. "Is this it? Is this what he want?" We just stayed at that quiet position for quite a while...children were playing happily outside as if there was a celebration. 

"She has been flirting with him through social network..telling him that she wants to marry him. Reasons she broke up with her past boyfriends because she wants to marry him. She could go to this extent to pursue her own happiness? It doesn't matter if it ruins a-10-year relationship which is to end in matrimony only in a few months time? As long as she gets what she wants? To this extent?? He entertains her all the time... If...he did look at her with perverted eyes...there's still a chance for us, isn't there? But there wasn't a slightest hint that sex was the only thing that he was after...there were more. His heart is no longer mine." 

I slowly got down from the bed after I was done sobbing...he grabbed my right hand...looked at the bruises I got from beating him. I snatched it back... "Don't you think it's a little too late to take a look at it? Any bacterial infection could have already occurred...These bruises doesn't hurt as bad as this..(as I pressed both my hands between my breasts.) So, stop pretending that you care. It's like spreading salt on my wound..." I walked out the room...the living room...went down the narrow staircase and stopped halfway.


I went up the stairs and back to the room...ignoring her as I passed by...at the door, I said to him, "Let's just break up." and left without leaving him a chance to say anything...or to chase after me. "It doesn't matter...it doesn't matter..." As soon as I reached at the bottom of the stairs, I ran as far and as fast as I could hoping nothing and no one to catch up.


monologku: betapa pilunya hatiku bila ku bangun dari tidur dan terkenang tangan kananku yang menumbuk dan menampar mukanya. Wajahnya dan matanya yang berisi dengan air mata masih kukenang walaupun is berlaku dalam mimpi sahaja.

The kind of man that I never had

I was in an apparel store with my elder sister buying some clothing. We were looking through over discounted items because she was buying one as a gift for me. 

In the middle of the store, there was a mini cafe where customers would enjoy their lattes after their shopping sprees. It was a store that I love and hate. 

I didn't find any blouse that I like so I turned my head around and saw an over-sized thistle coloured sling bag on the white shelf. Being mesmerised by it, I walked towards it and put it around my shoulder and rested the bag on my side and looked in the mirror. Watching myself, the bag really complimented my over-sized white V-neck blouse and my pleated mini skirt. I fell in love with that bag immediately and started to walk around with it in the store as I continue looking for some blouse.

I saw a tall handsome young man walking towards the store I was in. With a white vest over his cream plaid shirt, white skinny pants and a white fedora with black brim on his head, he walked gracefully into the store.

I continued with my shopping but ended queuing for a drink at the cafe. As he walked passed me, he gave me a smile and I smiled back. I felt close to him as if I've known him for a very long time, gestures that he made had made every one in the store misunderstood that we actually knew one another. It was my turn to order my drink, the cashier talked to me about him and complimented him. She said, "Your brother is very good looking." Puzzled, I asked if we really do look alike. She said, "Yes.". I turned around looking for him and our eyes met. Again, he looked at me with a smile and signalling he would come over. I looked back at the cashier and she was blushing.

I ordered my drinks. Unable to understand the reason, I told her that he loves iced coffee. Her eyes brightened and smiled at me. Then, he walked over to the counter and asking for his iced coffee...and such tenderness in his eyes...

The incident stopped there. I couldn't understand what was happening then. The confusion. Was it love? A hidden love that's waiting to emerge? I craved for him. I wanted him to embrace me. He was someone I missed dearly. I knew it was a dream when I woke up and that it would only happen in a dream. A dream that doesn't often happen when I sleep.

Dreams are usually the interpretation of our waking life or a sort of escapism. In my case, I lack security and I crave for love and attention. I lack of an older brother's love. I used to have one or almost had one. But, if I have him, I wouldn't have my elder sister now or even my younger brothers. Probably, I wouldn't even exist.

My mother used to tell me stories of my elder brother coming to visit as a little boy around the age of 3-4. That went on for months, it was a nightmare for my father as the little boy strangled him every time he visited them.

My siblings and I never knew about our brother. I was the first to know when I saw my mother's medical card when I was still in high school. I didn't asked until much later, when I was in the university.

Only then I know, what my mother was doing during her first pregnancy and what happened while she was in the hospital and after she was discharged from the hospital. I understand the reason my brother did it.

Then he stopped visited until one particular year on Easter Day when I was still in high school, probably in the year 2001. My siblings and I went to church with my mother. She told me while everyone in church were closing their eyes praying, she saw a tall and handsome young man in white standing next to her smiling at her. He was very fair and looked radiant. I could see it in my mother's eyes that she was very sad and she felt guilty at the same time for not being able to do anything for him other than praying for him.

Now...many years ago, he came as a boy and in 2001, he appeared as man dressed in white. In 2012, after the dream that I had last night, only then I understood that my brother is now in Heaven, in God's kingdom. I wonder what is he doing now...and decided to use this entry as a message. Brother, I have a letter for you...

Dear Brother in Heaven,


How are you? I'm a little excited and was wondering if you'll ever get to read this letter. I never knew your name nor have I seen you but indeed you were here. Your heart was not beating when you arrived in this complicated world. I was not even born yet. Throughout my life, I've always been opposing to abortion and I'm sorry that I blamed mother for losing you because I thought she aborted you. But then, truth reveals itself and now I knew she has always wanted you.


Have you met grandpapa yet? He went to heaven 2 years ago. What about our grandfather? He went 10 years ago. Did you meet them? How are you getting along? Are you happy? Are you watching as I typed this letter to you? Were you the one in my dreams last night? Because I woke up feeling happy and at loss at the same time.


I want to be a little selfish now, (^_^)...I'll tell you about the family in the next letter. For now, I only want to tell you how I feel at this moment. 

I miss you very much. I want to see you. I want you to give me piggy rides. I want you to hug me, protect me. I want you to tell me what I should do and what I should not do. I really miss you...it is weird that I've never even met you. I can feel you but knowing I couldn't touch you and knowing you can't run over to rescue me when I'm in danger really saddens me. I couldn't help myself asking "why" but God has better plans for you and I and that God would not let us handle things that He knows we can't handle. You're just the kind of man that I never had in my whole life. No one could ever replace you. If only there's a place where i could just visit you but there isn't...


Brother, I miss you and I love you very much...


Love,
Fionnie...

It all started from Erykah Badu...

I've always thought that it is best not to discuss certain issues in a country with so many sensitive people. But, we can't just eat anything that's given to us.

The use of "Allah" is not really about the issue of one's religion because it has nothing to do with religion at all. It's all the use of Language not of Religion. I don't know why some Malaysians make a really big deal out of this.

Somewhere in the corner or all over the internet, there are Arabs "laughing" because of our moronic ways (I know there are, I know someone does and is still "laughing" right now). This is so embarrassing! Since an Arab Muslim had shared his thoughts on the issue, so, I assumed most Arabs would have the same view.

He says,
" *toot* S*****, it is not even their language. Who says Arabic are for Muslims only? So, what language does the Arab Christians use? English?. No *toot* b****. Don't use our language, use your own *toot* language!"

(above: not a direct translation but was rephrased based on what he had said which include some censored offensive words. Easily guessed vulgar words which are also censored.)

I practically wanted to dig a hole and stuck my butt in it and hide my face. (Not the head, my hair is too precious)

Anyways, I'm still clueless to why the publication is prohibited from using the "sensitive" word. Not only I, but my friends from different religions as well are still clueless (most of them are Malay Muslims). Probably because we study language therefore we're able to see it from a different view. Some say, "part of the game of dirty politics". If that's the case, I have nothing more to say because I won't win anyway.

monologku: no matter which religion that one embraced, race would definitely vary.