The kind of man that I never had

I was in an apparel store with my elder sister buying some clothing. We were looking through over discounted items because she was buying one as a gift for me. 

In the middle of the store, there was a mini cafe where customers would enjoy their lattes after their shopping sprees. It was a store that I love and hate. 

I didn't find any blouse that I like so I turned my head around and saw an over-sized thistle coloured sling bag on the white shelf. Being mesmerised by it, I walked towards it and put it around my shoulder and rested the bag on my side and looked in the mirror. Watching myself, the bag really complimented my over-sized white V-neck blouse and my pleated mini skirt. I fell in love with that bag immediately and started to walk around with it in the store as I continue looking for some blouse.

I saw a tall handsome young man walking towards the store I was in. With a white vest over his cream plaid shirt, white skinny pants and a white fedora with black brim on his head, he walked gracefully into the store.

I continued with my shopping but ended queuing for a drink at the cafe. As he walked passed me, he gave me a smile and I smiled back. I felt close to him as if I've known him for a very long time, gestures that he made had made every one in the store misunderstood that we actually knew one another. It was my turn to order my drink, the cashier talked to me about him and complimented him. She said, "Your brother is very good looking." Puzzled, I asked if we really do look alike. She said, "Yes.". I turned around looking for him and our eyes met. Again, he looked at me with a smile and signalling he would come over. I looked back at the cashier and she was blushing.

I ordered my drinks. Unable to understand the reason, I told her that he loves iced coffee. Her eyes brightened and smiled at me. Then, he walked over to the counter and asking for his iced coffee...and such tenderness in his eyes...

The incident stopped there. I couldn't understand what was happening then. The confusion. Was it love? A hidden love that's waiting to emerge? I craved for him. I wanted him to embrace me. He was someone I missed dearly. I knew it was a dream when I woke up and that it would only happen in a dream. A dream that doesn't often happen when I sleep.

Dreams are usually the interpretation of our waking life or a sort of escapism. In my case, I lack security and I crave for love and attention. I lack of an older brother's love. I used to have one or almost had one. But, if I have him, I wouldn't have my elder sister now or even my younger brothers. Probably, I wouldn't even exist.

My mother used to tell me stories of my elder brother coming to visit as a little boy around the age of 3-4. That went on for months, it was a nightmare for my father as the little boy strangled him every time he visited them.

My siblings and I never knew about our brother. I was the first to know when I saw my mother's medical card when I was still in high school. I didn't asked until much later, when I was in the university.

Only then I know, what my mother was doing during her first pregnancy and what happened while she was in the hospital and after she was discharged from the hospital. I understand the reason my brother did it.

Then he stopped visited until one particular year on Easter Day when I was still in high school, probably in the year 2001. My siblings and I went to church with my mother. She told me while everyone in church were closing their eyes praying, she saw a tall and handsome young man in white standing next to her smiling at her. He was very fair and looked radiant. I could see it in my mother's eyes that she was very sad and she felt guilty at the same time for not being able to do anything for him other than praying for him.

Now...many years ago, he came as a boy and in 2001, he appeared as man dressed in white. In 2012, after the dream that I had last night, only then I understood that my brother is now in Heaven, in God's kingdom. I wonder what is he doing now...and decided to use this entry as a message. Brother, I have a letter for you...

Dear Brother in Heaven,


How are you? I'm a little excited and was wondering if you'll ever get to read this letter. I never knew your name nor have I seen you but indeed you were here. Your heart was not beating when you arrived in this complicated world. I was not even born yet. Throughout my life, I've always been opposing to abortion and I'm sorry that I blamed mother for losing you because I thought she aborted you. But then, truth reveals itself and now I knew she has always wanted you.


Have you met grandpapa yet? He went to heaven 2 years ago. What about our grandfather? He went 10 years ago. Did you meet them? How are you getting along? Are you happy? Are you watching as I typed this letter to you? Were you the one in my dreams last night? Because I woke up feeling happy and at loss at the same time.


I want to be a little selfish now, (^_^)...I'll tell you about the family in the next letter. For now, I only want to tell you how I feel at this moment. 

I miss you very much. I want to see you. I want you to give me piggy rides. I want you to hug me, protect me. I want you to tell me what I should do and what I should not do. I really miss you...it is weird that I've never even met you. I can feel you but knowing I couldn't touch you and knowing you can't run over to rescue me when I'm in danger really saddens me. I couldn't help myself asking "why" but God has better plans for you and I and that God would not let us handle things that He knows we can't handle. You're just the kind of man that I never had in my whole life. No one could ever replace you. If only there's a place where i could just visit you but there isn't...


Brother, I miss you and I love you very much...


Love,
Fionnie...