Orientation was as usual, ice breaking activities, walking around and getting familiar with the environment and campus area. We were brought to an orchard, there were dogs running about, wagging their tails when they saw our facilitators. It was quite an experience, especially the barn house, which reminds me of the novel "Animal Farm" by George Orwell. The weather was neither hot nor cool. It wasn't humid or dry either. We gathered around and started to express what we were looking forward during the stay. Every one was excited to show us around, except one particular facilitator. She was neither fortunate looking nor unfortunate looking, she seemed dislike the idea of having international students barging in their place. To her, we're the invaders. I had the feeling she didn't like me so decided not to approach her to avoid more hatred and dissatisfaction in her.
It was lunch time, we were brought to a cafeteria. The cafeteria was divided (or should I say built separately) into two sections. Both looked entirely the opposite, food served were totally different. The cafeteria we were brought to was in-door built with tiled floors, cleaner environment, food served were mostly western cuisine. The one's outside were exactly the opposite. The operator arranged her trays of local dishes on the counter. She stood there chasing flies while the local students picked their dish.
One of the international student grabbed my hand, he seemed to be attracted to the local dish and invited me to join him. I thought, "Why not? The trays were properly covered anyway." So, I went. I was thinking, "What was the point of having mashed potato and steak when I can have it back home?" It's time to try the local dish and besides, it looked yummy. I was queuing...then at a glimpse, I thought I saw someone familiar. Someone who is not supposed to be here...I was confused for a moment and trying to look for that person but was already gone. I thought to myself, I was only imagining things. So, I decided to ignore and continue choosing the dishes.
So finally, we sat down and I couldn't wait to taste the dish. I was so hungry that I wanted to gobble up my lunch. Then, My face turned pale, my palms and feet were cold and sweaty, my stomach felt tight. Losing my appetite when I saw her walked by without her knowing I was there looking at her. She was smiling happily in her strapped white dress. "What the hell is she doing here?" I felt nauseated. Soon after, rage suddenly filled me. I immediately excused myself and started to follow her. My heart sank when I saw both of them meet up. They both looked happy. It was he. My mind was not playing tricks earlier on.
I followed them to a blue wooden house by the beach. Both of them walked up the narrow stairs to the house, I followed quietly so they won't notice me. I pressed my ears against the door, "My parents are not home, they won't be back until late in the evening," she told him. I couldn't hear what he said as the children were chasing one another below. Then, she said, "Wait in my room, I'll be back."
I peeped through the window pane and saw that she went to the back of the house and he walked into a room. Outside the door, my heart was beating fast, I turned the knob with my left hand...hoping it was not locked...and my right hand trying to push the door..and it opened..Relieved..."It's not locked..." Gently, I pushed the door...and walked in quietly.
My palms were cold and sweaty...I broke in cold sweat with butterflies in my stomach. As I approached the room, I could hear water crashing to the floor. My heart was beating even faster...and my anger was reaching to its limit. I wanted to scream my heart out and ran amok. My mind was a chaos...an opposite to the situation I was in at the moment. There were only sounds of water and her humming in the bath...
I gather up my courage...my balance...and opened bedroom door. My mind went wild...when I saw him lying on her bed facing his back at me. I went in quietly...he didn't seem to notice that I was there standing there watching him. Slowly and quietly, I curled myself like a prawn at the corner of the room below her hanging clothes. As I lifted my head up while crouching at the corner, I watched him with my heart being stabbed over and over and over again.
I've been avoiding the social network because I didn't want to see what both of them were chatting about. And the thought of all the things she said to him, I was angry and was jealous that he entertained her. All the emotional cheating...I couldn't bear. Now that he was there...lying on the bed hurt me even more.
The bedroom door opened...there she was at the door..still not realizing I was hiding amongst her clothes at the corner. He turned his head looking at the door. There she was, in her towel with her hair tied in a bun...the floor was wet as the water was still dripping from her wet body. She loosened the bun and let her hair fell loose. He went to her and said,"You're wet. Let me dry you." She loosened her towel as he grabbed it and dried her upper body. He wasn't admiring her naked body with any kind of perverted eyes, he dried her with care. Gently, he wiped her wet body.
I stood up as I couldn't stand it any longer. They were shocked when they saw me coming out from my hiding place. She quickly grabbed the towel from my boyfriend's hand and covered herself clumsily while he just froze, not knowing what to do. I clenched my teeth as I looked at them with rage. I used all my strength to repress my anger...and my impulsiveness to bitch slap her, pull her hair and drag her out of the house. I told her in a controlled soft voice, "Please leave us. I have something to discuss with him. Close the door when you get out."
I pushed him to the bed and went on top of him. "Is this the bed you intend to use to betray me?" I asked with tears flowing from my eyes as I punched his face with the little strength I had left from suppressing my rage and jealousy. I beat his chest continuously to release all my rage and sadness. Then, I started to slap him and punched his face. He used his arms to protect himself from being punched and slapped as he was unable to grab hold of my hands to defend himself. Then, he lost his patience and pushed me away. With his head down,"Hit me again if you dare..." So, I slapped him. "Hit me again if you dare!" with a threatening voice and I slapped him again. His eyes turned red as tears started to gather and again he said with his teeth bared at me, "Hit me again if you dare!" And I slapped him twice...and just stared at him...at his eyes...and at his tears...I couldn't say anything to him. All I could do was stare at his face. "Is this it? Is this what he want?" We just stayed at that quiet position for quite a while...children were playing happily outside as if there was a celebration.
"She has been flirting with him through social network..telling him that she wants to marry him. Reasons she broke up with her past boyfriends because she wants to marry him. She could go to this extent to pursue her own happiness? It doesn't matter if it ruins a-10-year relationship which is to end in matrimony only in a few months time? As long as she gets what she wants? To this extent?? He entertains her all the time... If...he did look at her with perverted eyes...there's still a chance for us, isn't there? But there wasn't a slightest hint that sex was the only thing that he was after...there were more. His heart is no longer mine."
I slowly got down from the bed after I was done sobbing...he grabbed my right hand...looked at the bruises I got from beating him. I snatched it back... "Don't you think it's a little too late to take a look at it? Any bacterial infection could have already occurred...These bruises doesn't hurt as bad as this..(as I pressed both my hands between my breasts.) So, stop pretending that you care. It's like spreading salt on my wound..." I walked out the room...the living room...went down the narrow staircase and stopped halfway.
I went up the stairs and back to the room...ignoring her as I passed by...at the door, I said to him, "Let's just break up." and left without leaving him a chance to say anything...or to chase after me. "It doesn't matter...it doesn't matter..." As soon as I reached at the bottom of the stairs, I ran as far and as fast as I could hoping nothing and no one to catch up.
monologku: betapa pilunya hatiku bila ku bangun dari tidur dan terkenang tangan kananku yang menumbuk dan menampar mukanya. Wajahnya dan matanya yang berisi dengan air mata masih kukenang walaupun is berlaku dalam mimpi sahaja.
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