Saturday the 13th that equals to Friday the 13th.

I think there will always come to a point where I would stop and leave, convincing myself that this is not me giving up but this is me wanting to breathe different air. I would never blame anyone for my downfalls, my failures because it was I who made all the decision. To leave my job and get distracted, overwhelmed with ideas about changing the world into a better place. I didn't even remember the reason I left my job, it was to start a T-shirt business.

Then, I came to my senses after more than a year, after doing a lot of research, I bought equipments and materials to lower the supply cost for the current retail business I am partnering at. During the distractions and the process of waking up, the retail store is failing. And it is still failing. There is a high probability that we might have to pack and leave. Leaving this place with nothing on our backs but debts accumulated for the past 9 years, which I neglected to care about because from the very beginning, the word "trust" was formed.

The theme for Black Saturday is Trust.
One person told me to trust him, but doesn't trust me.
One person told me he doesn't trust anyone that easily, but I doubt.
When I doubt, it doesn't mean my loyalty had swayed.
When I doubt, it's because I know what's being sugar-coated.
One person told me jump in her ship without charge, but why charge when I'm already in it?
I trusted one person without question, but why betrayed it?

Is "trust" really about one's honesty? I really don't know but, somehow, I think it correlates to one's consistencies, efficiencies especially when we use the phrase "trust me". The time when we are almost or already at the bottom (although it's a bottomless pit), is the time we need to be realistic. When we can't afford to help others, then we don't have to. We may feel guilty but it's not our obligation or responsibility to do so. I'll end this entry here. And I won't know how long will it take me to post an entry again. It took me 2 months to recover from shock after knowing about how bad business is and the possibility of closing it down. I knew it's slow but after knowing we're barely making 50dollars and sometimes less than 10 dollars a day was what put me into shock. I guess trust isn't 100% about honesty then. Let me end this entry with a quote,

There's a saying that goes,

Man says, "Show me, and I'll trust you."
God says, "Trust me, and I'll show you."

monologku: Jikalau anda bukan tuhan (applicable to all religions of the world), usah minta wa percaya sama lu. Sebab kalau lu, lu pun akan minta wa tunjuk bukti baru lu akan percaya sama wa, bukan?

First entry of the day

KISS
Live like there is no tomorrow.

KISS
Nothing is wrong if you're still alive to do things differently from yesterday.

An Old Flame

Haha..don't ask what was wrong with me because I really had no idea.

We fought all the time. Rulers,  pens and books were usually the objects we used to hit one another. I hated that he was the class representative and I, his assistant. He didn't do anything at all and I had to pick up his leftovers! The thought of he sitting next to me dreaded me the most. How I hated the seating arrangement system those days. Plus, attending school in the afternoon somewhat aggravated the quarrellings. He and I just couldn't get along. The fact that even the teachers knew, proved that we're just like water and fire. Until the time when the seating arrangement changed, the quarrelling and hitting stopped.

I was at peace but still irritated with all his boasting about his so-called girlfriend from another school. Grrr!! Show offs! Well, like any other teenage girls, I like boys, love watching good looking boys and daydreaming about boys.

My sister! !  Oh! How she liked him! Brainwashed me into thinking he was cute and adorable plus charming. Urgh!! But, yeah, he wasn't that bad looking as a boy and as time passed, my hatred towards him diminished.

I courted him in our second year and grabbed him heart. So, he became my first boyfriend. It's true when they say, you'll never forget your first. I was a librarian at school and he would go to school early to see me. He was sweet, really. I'm smiling as I typed this. Actually, smiling as I read what was written in my journal before I decided to make an entry here (Yep..still smiling). He would tell me his palms were sweaty.  It was actually a trick he wanted me to fall for. To hold hands. (Ha-ha!) That was cute. But never fell for it. In fact, I didn't remember any memories of us holding hands.

It all changed after a few days skipping school because of fever.

I went back to school and noticed something had changed. I no longer have feelings for him...and wanted to break up. It took awhile because I didn't have the balls to break it to him. I remember vividly the day I asked a classmate to pass him the message. It was after school, I still remember what the weather was like and the colour of of the sky when the sun is setting. All the students were to queue up at the main gate before going home. He was sort of "skipping" happily until he got the message. He just froze and looked at me. I, on the other hand, was emotionless. All I wanted was to end it. Without feeling the slightest remorse or guilt, I just walked of, heading towards the gate.
And, of course, after that, he tried to woo me back and we did get back together. After a while, we both sort of agreed that it was not working for me. He let me go. That was my first romantic relationship in highschool.

No hands were held, no kiss was sealed.

monologku: We still keep in touch though. Muahahaha!!

Remember my neighbour?

It's ranting time.
I was always wondering why do these rats keep on hanging out at the back of my compound. The back compound is not clean, I know because I've only step my feet there only twice for the past 8 years and it's also the main reason that I don't.
At first, the cats now these rats.

For the public's information, I don't really cook. Even when I do, I clean all the utensils, pots and pans that I used before I eat. To cut it short,  I just DON'T leave ANY leftovers overnight because I know this house is often invaded by rats (they even poop in my downstairs toilet and no idea from where they squeezed in unless they climbed in from the cesspool, which...argh...).

And I just found out. While I was in the kitchen, I heard splashes on the zinc, which someone dumped into my backyard years ago (and since I don't go to the back, I just ignore it). You know when you're doing your dishes and sometimes you get bits of leftovers? Those are the few things that came with the splashes I heard because they're on the zinc. I'm not blind you know?
So...people...what does this tell you?

After stopping the habit of throwing leftover rice in front of my gate, hmmm...wait you didn't stop any of that habit, you just switched places. Although they're not leftover rice, it's worst this time. You fed pigeons in the past, now you're feeding rats. Your idea of diverting the rats to my backyard and not your kitchen is simply....unbelievable. Your kids must be very proud of you. Oh, one of them must be since he tresspasses into my compound almost if not everyday? I was home!

Why oh why? It's...arghh!!...just forget it. Do what you do best. Burn your rubbish, throw whatever leftover food you have in my backyard, allow your kid to tresspass into my compound in compensation of my dog's barking.

Shoo~~

monologku: usah berkira. Biarkan saja. Tunggu karma aja....

I have a good/best guy friend.

Because we love living our life so much, it's hard to find a partner who can understand the freedom we must have. So, like any other best buddies, we made a silly pact. Now that he's already married, with a beautiful daughter, the pact eventually is void. Haha!

I remembered back then there were many friendd who made that pact AND an ex of mine used that as a reason to break up with me. The pact he made ,however was with someone else.

Sometimes I think about this particular pact that people made. Why? They're compatible but not being together.

In my case, I did love him. In fact more than I thought. We were never together but I did experience the heartache of being separated. Youngster years.

We attended different schools after our primary education. Liked him since I was 11, confessed when I was 16. Face to face?? NO!! Old school way, Remember IRC? Haha! Yeah, I guess time does fly. We became very close to this very day...well...That feelings have to be stopped after he's married 2 years ago? A little disappointed because it was a shot gun marriage. I guess he was looking for a reason to settle down. Well, as long as he's happy.

Anyways, I'm still searching. One who could guide me, teach me and help me become into a better person.

When people fake it.

Just imagine someone you know for quite sometime who can't speak proper English nor studied abroad. Suddenly the public profile says, "Graduated from University of XXXX in UK Class of 2002" when in fact the person was in the country the whole time working as a beautician.
Then you wonder if that individual took a long distance course but how? That institution offers no long distant course. No one had ever talked about it. No graduation photos, no proof. So, what do you think? You might think I'm out of line to be meddling in other people's business.
Reason #1
I've known the spouse for more than 2 decades and understand a great deal of the things the spouse had to go through to achieve what they have today. As petty as it looks, it could destroy the spouse's reputation.

Reason #2
Those who know me very well know I do not deal with fabrications/forgery very kindly nor am I very forgiving when it comes to the fabrication of one's education qualifications.

Reason #3
From all the previous business transactions made, I can only say, no knowledge in research methods.

Class of 2002, that means that individual graduated with a degree at the age of 22, which of course is not impossible if gifted with a smart brain but based on what I know, clearly that individual didn't give much of a thought.

I'm just worried, that's all. People can hide one skeleton in their closets. The moment you've gotten so used to making use of your closet, it is bound to spill. It'll be too late by then. Never lie. Never breach any trust entrusted to you. Never betray. Too much cover ups just to protect the first skeleton from being discovered.

This entry isn't really about that particular individual but the types of people we have in our society. Anyways, lies, breach of trust, frogery, greed etc are often the reasons people fall.

Invincible Youth

Yeah, the variety show. People know a lot about hallyu. I didn't know what it meant until I had to write a piece on Korean Wave. Well, that's not the point. I've always like really tall lean/built men but recently, well, not just recently, it's been awhile or years, I really like handsome and good looking women like Amber from f(x). Not making her target or anything because that's absolutely crazy! I'm straight.

I'm just saying she's cool and I enjoy watching her. Adieu, time to rest.

When it starts to hurt. Last Episode.

Ta-da!! It's shingles! The end. Nothing life threatening of the sort. I'm glad to know that I can stretch all I want after I'm fully recovered.

Down with Flu!

Just when I'm out of propolis, I'm infected with the infamous virus. My head...feels like it's going to explode. Grrr...I hate having these common illness. I just dislike and hate being ill. It makes me feel helpless and not productive. Nighty night..........

When it starts to hurt Part 3

You know what I hate most? Liars especially when the lies are thrown at me. Selfishness...I still can accept because most people including I have that trait. Depends of the level of selfishness, I, to protect myself. I posted something on FB yesterday, my level of patience is almost at that level. The only time I could cool myself down is watching some series but connection... (Unifi never fails to disappoint me, you shouldn't feel at ease and complacent that the speed at times is steady and smooth nor should I be grateful about it because you charge me for it. 199+6% should work better than this, alright?)

Anyways, as human, we have many complaints. We even curse as much as we can, degrading, insulting people etc. I rarely curse all out when I do, I'm pretty sure I'm beyond angered. Because when I'm angry I could only go "f@+k, wth, wtf, no brain, idiot and grrr.."

At some point I don't even know if I should post this entry. What the heck, I never said or say that I'm a good person or perfect. I can be be angry and voice out my dissatisfaction about how suck some of my so called friends can be, right?

I don't understand why some others do not see her the way I see her. Why do they dislike her so much? I really don't understand that part. Yes, she can be mean when she farts mean things but that's when she's mad, but don't we all do that when we're angry?

She said, she wanted to know how to learn my ability to read people. I don't think I read people that well. I don't think she knows a lot about me...well I don't think anyone knows a lot about me. Whether I'm a good person or a bad person. I know I'm not bad enough to kill anyone or good enough to save the world because I don't have the power and money. Enough said.
Just be a good listener. I can boldly say that she isn't one. Enough said.

I also found out something about her that is disturbing. Where her loyalty lies, how grateful she will be to her beneficiaries?

Girls aren't a loyal bunch when it comes to friendships. Trust me, I've been betrayed a lot by people I trust. If it's her, it's not just about friendship, it's the partnership that comes across my mind. Where will her loyalty lie? How will I know if she won't betray the partnership?

Man says, "Show me, and I'll trust you"
God says, "Trust me, and I'll show you"

You know, I always trust people before them showing me anything. And people ask me to show them only then they'll trust me. Do I often treat other people too well and sincerely that I'm just an easy target? Just because I don't know how to express myself articulately doesn't mean, I don't know how to get angry. And while I'm typing this, it feels like deja vu. I should stop.

The more I rant plus the pain, the more I feel disappointed.

monologku: amanah saham je yg tinggal. Tu pun kalau 100% mmg amanah.

When it starts to hurt Part 2

Well, I went to see 2 GPs, the first one, gave me paracetamol,  a pain killer, laxative and antifungal cream on 22 March 2014.
I met the second GP on the 28th March 2014. According to GP#2, GP#1 gave the wrong diagnosis. I guess I know my body enough not to take the laxative and apply the antifungal cream. I just took the painkillers.

GP#2 said it could be something neurological/spine and told me not to worry. So, she wrote a letter and referred me KPJ Selangor. However, I have to postpone because of my menstrual cycle,  which chose to come a week earlier. Hmm, I shall wait until next Monday then.

Ps: My Moodswing+PMS= Catastrophic

How much is efficiency?

Depends who you are being efficient with. At times, you gain some and you lose some. In most cases, it's paid lower than the amount of effort, time used. I've never, however, thought that I'd lose money to a client. I bet a lot of people google "how to get client to pay up", because I did. Haha! Anyways, sometimes, the efficiency of others often affect our efficiency l, which often made us look incompetent. 

I'll avoid people who often threaten my credibility. So, bye bye. They always say, it's nothing personal, it's business. Well, it's personal to me. Thank you for everything. You make me a tougher and more of a black and white person.

Ps: My pain in the hip is making me doing all this ranting.

Random things

I just realized, I was given a cheque of my own money and not for the work I did. So, I'm not paid??

Great...

When it starts to hurt.

Well, the first thing I was diagnose with something wasn't really clear actually. It was in 1996. Lymph nodes on my right neck was/is swollen. Went for ultrasound few years ago, doc says they're muscle. Urmm..ok. so nothing is wrong with me then.

I was happy and contented until earlier this year. There's pain on my neck and I feel feverish. I thought I was dehydrated so I drank more plain water. I felt better.

Then one day I woke up, feeling feverish, and felt my neck was swollen. Looked in the mirror, saw my neck has gotten more swollen than before. And it still is. It's not painful but sometimes it sores and when I pinch it.

And I have hair loss problem then. My first bald patch was in 1998, 2nd one in 2005 and 2014. Biggest patch is the one I currently have right now plus...I have another one developing at the top of my head. Makes me wonder if I should get a better wig to cover my head just in case if it gets bigger because the previous two were quite disappointing.
I have thin straight hair and losing hair like this isn't fun. But I've come to a point where I would just let go if I really become bald and not to make a big deal out of this condition. As long as it's not contagious nor dangerous to me and others, I'll just live with it together with a wig. Hahah! How I love my hair then. One thing I'm worried about is, it's hereditary.

Right at this moment,  I have pain on my left hip. It felt my hip is hemorrhaging as if there's internal bleeding. Numbness and pain that is quite bearable. The kind of pain we have in our bones when we have fever. And yes, I'm feeling feverish at the moment. As I rubbed it just a moment ago before I decided to do this entry, I felt the pain is too much and the thought of I might be dying came across my mind. It is still painful and that spot is warmer than the rest of my body.

I wanted to go for full body check up. Check everything from head to toe. MRI etc. Even so, it's bloody expensive plus, only when I get paid then I can go right? The irony of having been busy working for the past months but not a sen in the pocket yet. Well, not yet. That's one of the challenges one has to face when one takes the road not taken. It can be sad at times but one has to stay strong. Never forget those who stood by you when you're in the pit. I know mine very well, do you?

Sickness, diseases are common as we age. I have so many fears especially when it comes to my health. Living with fine dust, second hand smoke, noise pollution makes me wonder if I would live long.

Reason I'm writing this entry, probably it's a will of some sort. Lol! It's not funny actually. I don't know what my future holds. I might die, and I'm not suicidal. I feel ill and pain here and there. Something is definitely wrong with my body. Until I have my check-up only then I can feel at ease. Just in case if it's postpone like it always does, I have to write something right? No point telling anyone about it because I don't need the consolation because I'm an optimist, plus there's nothing they can do about it. Everyone has their own lives to manage. Besides, these are only symptoms. And I did the craziest thing a few weeks ago, I told my business partner and my siblings what picture I would like to use as my funeral picture as below. Business partner ask to email the pic. My siblings speechless. Haha and yes not supposed to be funny.

Just in case if I die, all my assets will be divided among these people.
1. Parents. 10%
2. Siblings. 5% (asset)
3. Children (if any). 25% (trust fund) (no children: divide equally among siblings with existing percentage given (10% each)
4. Benefactors (list) 10% equally.
5. Charity. 50% ( trust fund to support animal shelter & social business)

I must be dreaming. Haha! Better than nothing right?

Ps: Reason I post something here is, nobody I know reads this. (^.^)
Anyways, will update on the state of my health/body.

Getting serious

I've read some of the entries I posted since 3 years ago and noticed they were getting serious and less humourous than before. Does that mean I'm losing my sense of humour or lacking creativity? Well, all of the entries are from my own personal experience. I have less ridiculous yet hilarious dreams now.

I guess as we grow older, things change according to the circumstances we're in. Not only we start thinking about survival,  we're also thinking about serious matters like issues in the country. It's not that we've never thought of it but just not as serious, that's all.

I felt at ease reading my previous posts that as a young person, I wasn't involved in any criminal activites nor was I lost in life. I have met many good people around me and glad they are still with me. I always think that, no matter how impossible some friends might be, we should accept who they are and try to show them the right path to follow. It doesn't matter how long, as long as we don't give up.

I don't normally get close to people very quickly, but the moment they push the right button, I give my all and my trust without questions ask. I don't appreciate betrayals and dishonesty. Two things I would never put up for. Unless, if you're blood. I don't mean blood through marriage. I meant blood that we share. Example, my uncles/aunts and I have my grandparents' blood. Blood through marriage includes my future husband, in laws or my uncles/aunts' wives/husbands.

Yeah, I know..sound narrow minded. Well,  be more ethical then. I'm distracted by Dragon Ball at the moment...cheers!