Tinky says

Friday, November 4, 2016

Adieu...

These are now memories...that should be forgotten.

Friday, September 16, 2016

对你的爱

有什么好生气的? 你从头到尾都没有变过。 你依然还是一样。每次"失踪"。

在我心里永远有地位的人。心目中重要的人。印象深刻的人。搞不懂你到底有什么东西这样吸引我。

我不喜欢。。我不喜欢你霸着我的心。
当时,你只不过是一个我网上认识其中一个的陌生人。

你说你喜欢我。很喜欢我。我觉得很荒谬,因为我不知道你喜欢我什么东西。

你每次唱歌给我听。送歌给我听。就这样。。动到我的心,喜欢上你。。而且很喜欢很喜欢很喜欢你。

可是。。。那个感觉。。突然变。。

当天,你说你和我们相识的人在一起。我就这样。。停止呼吸,心停了一阵子。。我的脑袋除了想起你对我的表白,我想不到任何的东西。我没有办法形容我当时的心情。我只知道我的心好痛!
我没有资格说你什么。自己知道自己的事。
幸好我藏得好,没有被你发现到我其实在挣扎,在控制我的情绪,和你说话的语气。不然,我不知道如何下台。

过后,决定把你忘记,不想再想起你。觉得你骗了我。我除删你的FB还有所有能联络你的方式。可是还是一样蠢,我依然继续接你的电话。我换了电话号码因为不想被某些人找到,包括你。可是,当你和我要我的号码的时候,我还是给了你。

你每次打电话给我的时候,说你很喜欢很喜欢我,说你要我,要娶我,和我生孩子。还问我爱不爱你,喜不喜欢你。明明有女朋友的人。身边多女人的男人。你说,我能说我对你有感觉吗? 我敢说我其实喜欢你爱你吗? 我不能承认。我不可以。我不敢说! 我不要做你外面其中一个的女人!

我只能说什么? 就说,我不喜欢你。我不爱你。我不想再被你伤害。我承认的话,我会完全被你征服。我不要。

每次听到你的笑声,我会想起你的笑容。想起你的表示。我误会你对我有感觉,对我是认真。结果,我对你有些期望。。最后,还是让自己失望。

我承认,我从来没有忘记过你。
你没有变过。变的是我。 是我的心在变。。在打开我的心让你占有。这几年来,你可能不知道。。我的心很早已经是属于你的。

可是。。

别以为你看透我的心就变嚣张,想怎样就怎样。爱你不代表我不可以没有你。

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Lost Touch

Jeez, it's pretty ridiculous and embarassing getting back to blogging after leaving it hanging for years/months. I'm sorry about that. I get distracted too often. And most of the time when I blog, it's because I know, people that I know don't read it. And it's the only place I could pour my heart and soul out. I guess...the devil (me) has sold me out.

I read the entries when I was hanging around Kuching back in 2010. And told my friend about the entries I blogged because I've included our conversations. They were pretty hilarious. To us, of course. So, I was thinking "Hey, Bab. What do you think about compiling these entries and do Adventures of Fio and Bab?" So, I gave him the link and yah..I think he'll be reading some of the entries that have lots of typos/grammatical mistakes. Hahaa...('.')||

So, not a safe haven for me anymore. But, blah..who cares. It's a good chance for my friends to know what had happened to me. Why I go MIA for months/years...haha.

Kan dah cakap..I get distracted easily. Back to the title, lost touch. Apa yang lost touch sebenarnya? To write creatively...I think I lost my sense of humour...not as funny anymore.

I remembered a writer said this,

" If you want to write. Go and live! Go to any other parts of the world and get your heart broken then come back and write..."

The thing is, I don't need to go to any other parts of the world to get my heart broken. It already did without me going anywhere. And how am I supposed to write when I feel bitter? Things I write...may be full of anger, sadness. I don't want that. What I want is, whenever I read the entries I posted, I'd laugh hysterically at the silly things that happened or at things that were said.

Right now, I'm still bitter. I'm "recuperating", getting close to nature, absorbing its energy so I could move on.

Despite being in a new relationship doesn't help me with it, I'm assuming that I'm supposed to deal with it on my own. I don't know when will that be, but time will come when I no longer need/want a relationship. Or I no longer need/want him because it doesn't make any difference with or without him now. However, I sincerely hope, it doesn't come to that.

Monologku: Do yourself a favour this time.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Relationship status: It's complicated Part 2

"Torn in between to trust or not to trust. The evidence of contradictions is obvious. Going abroad either when I have planned to see him or when I'm on leave is too much of a coincidence."

Hi, it's been awhile. Refer to the previous post under the same title means, I'm writing about the same person. So, yes. We're finally in a relationship. Should I be happy about it? Of course, I am. I am happy that he accepts me when I'm in a mess, when I'm broken, without judging me.

My previous relationship wrecked me. Goodbye to the 14 years of relationship. Anyways, it's already in the past.

I should be able to start fresh but because of my past, I have problems healing myself, going back to how I was...having faith in people, trusting people.

He has been that way from the day we knew each other. He never changes. The problem lies in me. I still have trust issues despite his assurance. It's really hard to convince me anymore. I'm afraid. I don't ever want to deal with that pain anymore.

Please understand, when your trust is betrayed, lied to over and over again, do you think it will end there after the relationship ends?  No, my darlings...the pain doesn't stop there. When the pain stops, your perception towards people's ability to lie doesn't change. Mistrust destroys relationship...future relationships...even relationship that hasn't even started.

This is how my previous relationship affects my relationship now.

So, to all couples out there...think twice before cheating on the person who trust and love you the most. You have no idea the impact of your selfishness has on them.

I want to be happy with my newly beloved person, but I need to fix my trust issues.